4

resent	cause	affects
kth	scheduled every summer growing up to some gifted program social dependence as an adolescent as his best friend wrote my college essay and completed all university applications repeatedly told me i am exceptionally gifted said he could take any kid, from any background, and "fix them" less intellectual, prestiguous career choice lower income than his wife lacks a business accounting mindset with spending and earnings spends his wife's higher earnings and inheritance as if it is his threw away wife's prized possessions without permission gave away my halloween candy without permission to coworkers when i asked, stated that yale and notre dame are educationally equivalent schools defaulted on $1,000 incentive to climb coconut trees in philippines no long-term friends failed to get accepted to notre dame as his dream school, vicariously lived through his children shared with siblings bank statements from my spending spree took son-in-law's side in a dispute and moved out of home to hotel watches tv all day not physically active in stage 3 parkinson's watches low quality lifetime movie network	personal relationships. self esteem (fear) personal relationships. self esteem (fear) self esteem (fear) personal relationships security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security security. sexual relationships. sexual relationships. personal relationships security. sexual relationships. personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. personal relationships. self esteem (fear). security. personal relationships. self esteem (fear). self esteem (fear). security. personal relationships. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). security. personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. personal relati onships. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). security. self esteem (fear) personal relationships. sexual relationships.
kmh	stole $4 from me trading my $5 bill for her $1 bill halloween 2015 asked her for financial help which she denied calling my nephews "her family" during covid relapse we have had a non-existent, no contact relationship, even after I've been sober for over a year. when we are together, she has me talk to her kids only told me i need to get my own life when living with parents	security. personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. personal relationships. self esteem (fear). self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
npm	leaving me stranded at his crossfit gym dad treats him like his wishful son dad gave him financial jobs after layoff took his side when i was visiting and left stranded had 19 years respectable, professional job	security. self esteem (fear). self esteem (fear). security. personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
jcs	lazy, slept all day refused to talk about getting a job got frustrated after driving me awhile to the visa bus highly dependent on family/mentors to get her work buys a pill for every ill, products fixes every problem uses disproportionate space for her possessions snores loudly, waking and keeping me awake manipulatively played the victim, blamed others addictively consume social media all day and in bed said "you're going to be famous and forget about me" talked about enrolling in a class, but took no action addictively consumed ultra processed food cleverly disguised as health benefit claiming snacks + meals lost attraction to her as she has gotten more obese manipulates and controls our friends and me expected me to read along a book she purchased "come as you are" offered to work on readdict email/text chunks of books project seemed concerned and questioned my going off lithium meds when i lost insurance made a list of my expected shared household responsibilities	sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). security. sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). security. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). security. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). self esteem (fear). security. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). security.
mgh	left me on non-omega-3 infant formula when lolo died for 3 months worked through my childhood and wasn't present to intellectually guide me has difficulty naturally showing unconditional love and expressing emotions felt towards me leaving me to be trained and raised by my dad her calls are one sided, abruptly ended after she is done she has only promised to come out and visit many times, since i moved out here in 2020 has never deviated from sobriety and has focused on consistently educating and scientifically, spiritually, and financially contributing to herself as benefit to others. refuses to have memory objectively screened for early dementia risk	security. self esteem (fear). security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. personal relationships. sexual relationships. personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
rdd	asked if he could rub his penis on my face when asked, said sexual contact with him would not be considered gay left gay porn website open in the browser when i asked to play the game oregon trail my only friend whom was friends with my ideal friends i felt i couldn't say i didn't want sexual contact with him, risking our friendship	sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. personal relationships. security.
smk	career and financially dominated me controlled me, whom I could be friends with refused to share my dual diagnosis with parents intervened on client who fired me on his birthday told me i had to have a job when i relocated to sf said business is her thing and mine is fitness rejected my proposal that we move to yale to audit art school burst out laughing saying to herself 'harty' as my artist identity	security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. personal relationships. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. personal relationships. self esteem (fear). security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
nph	told people i was her son in law narcissist who manipulated + controlled jennalynn forced jennalynn to drive her bonus kids around dumped cooper on us for over 2 months paid for jennalynn's overeating doordash, instacart, groceries publicly called me out as priviledged at minigolf talking to bopbop trained jennalynn on the systematic racism victim mentality	self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. sexual relationships.
tsd	made forbes 30 under 30 made partner at sorin capital earned >$1M/yr pivoted to ladder and raised $10M series A despite failing finance degree, social genius told my mom he would look after me because his friend died of suicide/overdose told his close friends in new york who called and mocked me	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
sct	pressured me to personal train him starting during the interview asked me to write detailed what i did emails instead of manage didn't invite me to lunch first month working made a joke about my coworker and i being in a romantic relationship.	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
sms	ignoring me once i wasn't the star basketball player making fun of me laughing at my misfortune when injured talking behind my back with the team	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
dds	making fun of my penis size in the shower after morning lifting	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships.
dns	asked me at a basketball practice if i was a has been called me on my way to visit said his wife's family had an emergency succeeded financially married house kids	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships.
cav	set a boundary where i couldn't go near eric's sf house stopped giving her dog sitting business to ex didn't invite me to wedding blamed me when asked for money she owed her for dog sitting already received	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
mpi	consistently tells mom about her son's friends who have mansions and invited to goog	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
mvk	laughed at me when I asked what courses or resources to use to upskill on java spring boot after performance feedback scheduled a meeting with lax and not rob didn't respond to my text for reference	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear).
rav	narcissist controlling the music buying time paying for food and over-texting/talking threatened suicide and then got angry at us who showed up mother overly co-depended on me during last few months of work didn't clean up after herself when she was a guest	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
ech	called me out in 2019 in an unwanted intervention pressured me into lending him money treated me different when i got the software engineer job at chase got a higher score on drive cap startup iquiz	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
nzb	married has just had a daughter more of a genius than I see myself youngest tenured professor	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
ggb	said you know dui is on your record and affects your reputation for life	self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
emh	got an athletic scholarship to um	self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
dls	order of magnitude more career accomplished threatened to pull psych support cooler under pressure living in hawaii in a beach house smarter software engineer than me	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). security. self esteem (fear). security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
aor	was number one controls ex angry when i don't princess her	self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
aag	ignores me as unworthy of his friendship because i am broke shamelessly self-important thinks he is higher status in his profession younger and more financially successful married bought a condo home	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
dap	vape taker said she pitied me for still drinking money taker after borrower and saying she would pay me back bought my painting for $700 but couldn't pay had to ask for painting back painting canvas was warped in her back seat when i got it back judges everyone who is using as an alcoholic	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
jth	charged me when i was in crisis and didn't show up to zoom meetings shared confidential details my dad demanded to know using leverage and manipulation	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
elm	narc'd on me about having weed in her dad's car takes advantage of her lola's caretaker check without doing the work	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
cyb	blocked me after i was trolling her in a relapse brought over bag of bottles, brother's weed cheated with her omission guilt carried until i unloaded my cheating confession before breakup	self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
gdk	hesitated when i asked to be paid the second $100 for my time offered $5,000 for researching how to hack his ex-business partner's phone his delusions of grandeur offering to cut me in on what the take is from his winning a lawsuit against the police department mirror into my mania hasn't worked for 6+ years as fellow dual diagnosis	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
dam	didn't pay me for my networking time reminds me of what my bread loser life might look like has trained with me twice and hasn't talked or offered to pay yet	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
mvp	treated his alcoholic brother as less than judged me for dipping and spitting refused to share any freely sourced cannabis angry when i refused his request to borrow my debit card commissioned a painting, without paying trolled me saying i am not in his inner circle felt guilty and dropped off an important painting	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
chp	said she would never "put her mom in a home" when i shared with her and son	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
dyt	my dad's best friend he doesn't think my dad is his best friend pities my dad frustrated with me when i was invited to the dr. bing lunch disapproved i monopolized dr. bing's attention away from him	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
wmt	traumatized at boarding school won ohio state innovator award multiple patents named on published academic book given electroshock therapy	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
jjy	person ex called on 4/20 when i overdosed her on edible laced mac and cheese always trying to control what game we play, what we do next, even when he was a guest in my apartment narcissistic and elitist in how important his job is and how much money he makes said i gave a painting as a birthday gift because they couldn't afford it (and he could) wouldn't invite me over to his new apartment and invite ex to go on walks, movies kept asking if he could buy my paintings, but only window shopped, never buying	self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
jdh	leaving me outside by myself on the tarp the morning after the graduation natty light case race defecated on your lawn in retaliation drove home blacked out, charged with physical control of a vehicle while under the influence of alcohol	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
dbg	telling me I had potential in 8th grade cutting me from the high school basketball team cowering to my dad's financial manipulation when he cut me from the basketball team at my dad's insistence, offered me the chance to practice and tryout again	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
rmm	dying in iraq triggering my first hypomanic, alcoholic episode failing a macroeconomics exam going to your funeral drinking daily for the first time being called out for not mourning my loss of you in a respectful, honorable way	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
png	asked if i just said the stupidest thing i could think of to make our friend laugh slept with my then ex-gf behind my back after we all hung out over a year after i broke up with her	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
cnk	said he liked me better when i was depressed than manic senior year became a doctor	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
adb	gave 5 minutes or less all about the money legal drug diplomate dealer rx'd latuda for $1,500-2,000 per month my parents had to pay out of pocket, as i could not had the most suicidal symptoms in a panic trance, at random times didn't believe my symptoms were related to his prescription felt gaslighted by my own psychiatrist would throw free samples at me to keep me coming back i actually believe he liked and respected me before i fired him	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
acm	told me i could have my jackson pollock masterpiece $1,000 framed painting back whenever i was ready said he would take care of it when i was about to destroy it non-responsive and only responded after i attempted to guilt him into giving me the dignity of a response when asked to take a digital photo for my record, he stopped responding again	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
tsm	after i demanded to have my painting returned, she offered to buy my masterpiece painting when she asked how much, i said $10,000 never heard from her after i asked for what price i wanted for my work	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
rez	inviting me to a group dinner of great guys. calling me out for my hygiene affecting the group olfactory dissatisfaction. offering a place to live and then holding a no smoking boundary when i arrived leveraging an unfair quid quo pro, unclear on ulterior motives, move in scenario	self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear).
mck	gave me an ultimatum when i was fake working before stanford er rejected my friending him on facebook with a textplanation	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
catholic church	pedophile priests protected by the power of the pope's property	security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
priests	abuse of power on traumatized children and impact on their suicide risk	security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. personal relationships.
aa	outdated, unscientific, one sized fits all religion masquerading as a substance abuse cure all sponsor has unchecked power over sponsee	sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
"you need to structure your day"	treatment centers repeatly enforcing and advising i structure my day for optimal bipolar management	< security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
When, and how, and in just what instances did my selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and me? What people were hurt, and how badly? Did I spoil my marriage and injure my children? Did I jeopardize my standing in the community? Just how did I react to these situations at the time? Did I burn with a guilt that nothing could extinguish? Or did I insist that I was the pursued and not the pursuer, and thus absolve myself? How have I reacted to frustration in sexual matters? When denied, did I become vengeful or depressed? Did I take it out on other people? If there was rejection or coldness at home, did I use this as a reason for promiscuity? We reviewed our own sexual conduct over the years past, Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We subjected each sex relation to this test — was it selfish or not? Looking at both past and present, what sex situations have caused me anxiety, bitterness, frustration, or depression? Appraising each situation fairly, can I see where I have been at fault? Did these perplexities beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands? Or, if my disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change? Suppose that financial insecurity constantly arouses these same feelings, to what extent have my own mistakes fed my gnawing anxieties? And if the actions of others are part of the cause, what can I do about that? If I am unable to change the present state of affairs, am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are?	Summer 2024, while my newly broken up partner was away, I invited a woman over to our apartment, without asking for permission, and she then asked my ex-partner if it was ok. Summer 2020, I promised JPW I'd have sex with her in her psych ward room, but when I snuck in, I just got oral sex. Summer 2016, I called a celebrity whom had trusted me with her number, while intoxicated, insulting her, just to show a friend that she gave me her number. Fall 2015, the night before I was scheduled to meet up with STG, I went out with bottle, pushed a person into unconsciousness, followed a prostitute into a heroin dealer's trap house, got extorted with parent's credit card and then I got a knife cutting my throat. Summer 2015, I spent $275 won on black jack to buy liquor for homeless people and a 50 year old prostitute, who I smoked methamphetamine with and we had unprotected sex. Summer 2015, I disclosed the full extent of my cheating on my 7 year partner STG, transferring my long held guilt on her and then asked if she would agree to an open relationship after a month away Spring 2013, I drank alcohol and smoked cannabis, then had sexual contact but not full intercourse with a woman I met at the work, whom I insulted her artistic potential. Spring 2013, I took adderall in exhange for doing homework for a woman I was seeing while lying about my location to my partner. Fall 2011, I drank alcohol and smoked cannabis with friends during a ND football game, then had a friend lie to my partner about where we were going, met a woman and lied, then went back to my partner in guilt, playing the victim from relapsing and diagnosed with gastritis at lenox hill hospital. Fall 2012, I drank alcohol and smoked cannabis, then received oral sex but not full intercourse with a coworker in the shared living space while my ex-partner was abroad. Spring 2011, I received oral sex from a random man in a fitness facility steam room, while my partner was waiting in the workout area. Fall 2010, I travelled a few hours, drank alcohol, benzodiazepines, and cannabis to meet with a woman, lying to my partner about my location when she called, seeing her face during coitous. Spring 2010, I went on a dinner date, with an old ballerina fling, lying about my location to my partner. Spring 2009, I met with a man met online and received oral sex while partner was out of state. Spring 2008, I went to an onboarding welcome party where my roommate quickly became intoxicated and I was less so, after preventing her from being taken in a van, ordered a cab, where we had sexual contact there and in our apartment, which she said she didn't remember the next day. Fall 2007, After dropping my girlfriend off to work at the strip club, I went across the street, drank alcohol, smoked cannabis, and went to a motel room and had sex with a woman met at the bar. Fall 2007, I exposed myself to the mother of my girlfriend when she was walking down the stair's, shocking and scaring her. Fall 2007, While drinking alcohol and smoking cannabis at the drug house, I promised to pay for oral sex, received it, then acted ignorant when she tried to collect later. Winter 2006, After playing beer pong with my girlfriend's resident assistant, she invited me to sleep over and I read her invite as an invite to her bed, which she did not want and called our mutual friends scared. Fall 2006, After a night out drinking, my ex-girlfriend invited me to sleep over at her apartment, I asked her why her boyfriend isn't railing her that night, which she said hurt her. Fall 2003, I lied to a friend about having hooked up with a girl we both knew, and he told her, which she embarrased that I had lied. Fall 2002, I wasn't satisfied with oral sex with my girlfriend, so I repeatedly asked if we could have intercourse, which she said no and was not comfortable.
In addition to my drinking problem, what character defects contributed to my financial instability? Did fear and inferiority about my fitness for my job destroy my confidence and fill me with conflict? Did I try to cover up those feelings of inadequacy by bluffing, cheating, lying, or evading responsibility? Or by griping that others failed to recognize my truly exceptional abilities? Did I overvalue myself and play the big shot? Did I have such unprincipled ambition that I double-crossed and undercut my associates? Was I extravagant? Did I recklessly borrow money, caring little whether it was repaid or not? Was I a pinchpenny, refusing to support my family properly? Did I cut corners financially? What about the “quick money” deals, the stock market, and the races? Appraising each situation fairly, can I see where I have been at fault? Did these perplexities beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands? Or, if my disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change? Suppose that financial insecurity constantly arouses these same feelings, to what extent have my own mistakes fed my gnawing anxieties? And if the actions of others are part of the cause, what can I do about that? If I am unable to change the present state of affairs, am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are? We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn’t it because self-reliance failed us? Surveying his business or employment record, almost any alcoholic can ask questions like these: in addition to my drinking problem, what character defects contributed to my financial instability? Consider carefully all personal relationships which bring continuous or recurring trouble in emotional security: worry, anger, self-pity, and depression. Suppose that financial insecurity constantly arouses these same feelings. I can ask myself to what extent have my own mistakes fed my gnawing anxieties? If the actions of others are part of the cause, what can I do about that? If I am unable to change the present state of affairs, am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are?	"Alex is a frightened human being determined to depend completely upon a stronger person for guidance and protection." "This weak one, Alex has failed to meet life's responsibilities with own resources, never grows up." "Disillusionment and helplessness are Alex's lot In time, all of Alex's protectors either flee or die, and Alex is once more left alone and afraid. Lied about work done that was not done, in stand up, to managers, co-workers, family and friends. Would go to the bar and talk strangers into buying me drinks, opening up a tab, persuasively lying and attempting to sound impressive and on the brink of massive success. Lied and cheated the JP Morgan Chase disability to extend and manipulate doctors into keeping me away from work and getting paid to be in successive rehabs Took pride in the fact that my last 2020 relapse I was able to get random strangers to pay for my drugs and alcohol in a matter of minutes, deluding myself that this made me a celebrity or tangent to famous. Dishonest with myself and believing my own lies about importance, genius, inevitable billionaire fortified by drugs and alcohol, always realizing it with work tomorrow. Stole company money and received pay for hours not worked that added to time sheets for contract work as well as stopped working on employee hours expected to be working. Cut corners using the Visa bus to arrive later than expected to start work and left work on the early bus home before expected to work until. Woke up to log in to remote work, keep the cursor moving or have someone "man the station" and deceptively appear online, while sleeping, smoking, drinking or not working Misued company resouces to do personal business or non-work related tasks while being paid on company wage. Stole money from his parents' brokergage and credit card accounts without any permission or communication about the usage. Too old to be hired. Devalued because I don't have a computer science or technical degree. Not stable enough with bipolar mood swings to work consistently on a team keeping my diagnosis to myself. Too ashamed to get real and disclose my recovery and relapse history with anyone for fear of it costing me my job or being used against me. No one will give me a reference because of my questionable performance and absuing disability. Wasted Proof of Concept opportunity and chance to be hired as full time employee. Fixed mindset: "don't think like a software engineer" Value time freedom and location independence to travel globally and see family. Too obese to be confident, fit in and respected by coworkers. When I was given a long time to work independently on a proof of concept project, I bluffed about the work done for as long as I could and did actual work, of minimum quality, to have something to deliver. When I found out I had a month left before my contract was up, I evaded my responsibility to job search while still employed with coworkers offering to give recommendations telling people who cared that I was becoming a youtuber using a guru's course. Complained about being rejected on asking for $10,000 payment for biggest painting, I've actually sold paintings for $500 paid by my sister, $500 by a dealer and $250 by a treatment friend. Talk about how I'm a founder, have an LLC, a start up or running a company, when the only sales I've actually been paid for are personal train sessions at $100-$150/hour in 2014 and 2024, less than 15 kindle book sales and some web design services to a client in 2013. Started a group chat and took credit for it, when onboarding when Brindha, a remote Visa worker, came up with the idea and was in the process of starting on. Charged a client on autopay three times per week for month when I was never training the client and didn't remind him of our lapse.