1. scheduled every summer growing up to some gifted program
2. social dependence as an adolescent as his best friend
3. wrote my college essay and completed all university applications
4. repeatedly told me i am exceptionally gifted
5. said he could take any kid, from any background, and "fix them"
6. less intellectual, prestiguous career choice
7. lower income than his wife
8. lacks a business accounting mindset with spending and earnings
9. spends his wife's higher earnings and inheritance as if it is his
10. threw away wife's prized possessions without permission
11. gave away my halloween candy without permission to coworkers
12. when i asked, stated that yale and notre dame are educationally equivalent schools
13. defaulted on $1,000 incentive to climb coconut trees in philippines
14. no long-term friends
15. failed to get accepted to notre dame as his dream school, vicariously lived through his children
16. shared with siblings bank statements from my spending spree
17. took son-in-law's side in a dispute and moved out of home to hotel
18. watches tv all day
19. not physically active in stage 3 parkinson's
20. watches low quality lifetime movie network

1. personal relationships. self esteem (fear)
2. personal relationships.
3. self esteem (fear)
4. self esteem (fear)
5. personal relationships
6. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
7. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
8. security
9. security. sexual relationships.
10. sexual relationships. personal relationships
11. security. sexual relationships. personal relationships.
12. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
13. security. personal relationships. self esteem (fear).
14. security. personal relationships. self esteem (fear).
15. self esteem (fear). security. personal relationships. sexual relationships.
16. self esteem (fear). security. personal relationships.
17. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security.
18. personal relati onships. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear).
19. security. self esteem (fear)
20. personal relationships. sexual relationships.

1. stole $4 from me trading my $5 bill for her $1 bill
2. halloween 2015 asked her for financial help which she denied
3. calling my nephews "her family" during covid relapse
4. we have had a non-existent, no contact relationship, even after I've been sober for over a year.
5. when we are together, she has me talk to her kids only
6. told me i need to get my own life when living with parents

1. security. personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. personal relationships. self esteem (fear).
6. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

1. leaving me stranded at his crossfit gym
2. dad treats him like his wishful son
3. dad gave him financial jobs after layoff
4. took his side when i was visiting and left stranded
5. had 19 years respectable, professional job

1. security. self esteem (fear).
2. self esteem (fear). security. personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

1. lazy, slept all day
2. refused to talk about getting a job
3. got frustrated after driving me awhile to the visa bus
4. highly dependent on family/mentors to get her work
5. buys a pill for every ill, products fixes every problem
6. uses disproportionate space for her possessions
7. snores loudly, waking and keeping me awake
8. manipulatively played the victim, blamed others
9. addictively consume social media all day and in bed
10. said "you're going to be famous and forget about me"
11. talked about enrolling in a class, but took no action
12. addictively consumed ultra processed food cleverly disguised as health benefit claiming snacks + meals
13. lost attraction to her as she has gotten more obese
14. manipulates and controls our friends and me
15. expected me to read along a book she purchased "come as you are"
16. offered to work on readdict email/text chunks of books project
17. seemed concerned and questioned my going off lithium meds when i lost insurance
18. made a list of my expected shared household responsibilities

1. sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
5. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
6. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
7. security. sexual relationships.
8. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
9. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
10. self esteem (fear). security. sexual relationships.
11. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
12. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). security.
13. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear).
14. personal relationships. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). security.
15. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear).
16. self esteem (fear). security.
17. security. self esteem (fear).
18. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). security.

1. left me on non-omega-3 infant formula when lolo died for 3 months
2. worked through my childhood and wasn't present to intellectually guide me
3. has difficulty naturally showing unconditional love and expressing emotions felt towards me
4. leaving me to be trained and raised by my dad
5. her calls are one sided, abruptly ended after she is done
6. she has only promised to come out and visit many times, since i moved out here in 2020
7. has never deviated from sobriety and has focused on consistently educating and scientifically, spiritually, and financially contributing to herself as benefit to others.
8. refuses to have memory objectively screened for early dementia risk

1. security. self esteem (fear).
2. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. personal relationships.
3. sexual relationships. personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships.
5. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships.
6. security. self esteem (fear).
7. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships.
8. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

1. asked if he could rub his penis on my face
2. when asked, said sexual contact with him would not be considered gay
3. left gay porn website open in the browser when i asked to play the game oregon trail
4. my only friend whom was friends with my ideal friends
6. i felt i couldn't say i didn't want sexual contact with him, risking our friendship

1. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security.
4. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security.
5. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. personal relationships. security.

1. career and financially dominated me
2. controlled me, whom I could be friends with
3. refused to share my dual diagnosis with parents
4. intervened on client who fired me on his birthday
5. told me i had to have a job when i relocated to sf
6. said business is her thing and mine is fitness
7. rejected my proposal that we move to yale to audit art school
8. burst out laughing saying to herself 'harty' as my artist identity

1. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
3. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. personal relationships. self esteem (fear).
5. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
6. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
7. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
8. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.

1. told people i was her son in law
2. narcissist who manipulated + controlled jennalynn
3. forced jennalynn to drive her bonus kids around
4. dumped cooper on us for over 2 months
5. paid for jennalynn's overeating doordash, instacart, groceries
6. publicly called me out as priviledged at minigolf talking to bopbop
7. trained jennalynn on the systematic racism victim mentality

1. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
3. security. sexual relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
5. security. self esteem (fear).
6. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
7. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
8. security. sexual relationships.

• made forbes 30 under 30
• made partner at sorin capital
• earned >$1M/yr
• pivoted to ladder and raised $10M series A
• despite failing finance degree, social genius
• told my mom he would look after me because his friend died of suicide/overdose
• told his close friends in new york who called and mocked me

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
6. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
7. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

1. pressured me to personal train him starting during the interview
2. asked me to write detailed what i did emails instead of manage
3. didn't invite me to lunch first month working
4. made a joke about my coworker and i being in a romantic relationship.

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear).
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.

1. ignoring me once i wasn't the star basketball player
2. making fun of me
3. laughing at my misfortune when injured
4. talking behind my back with the team

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• making fun of my penis size in the shower after morning lifting

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships.

• asked me at a basketball practice if i was a has been
• called me on my way to visit said his wife's family had an emergency
• succeeded financially
• married
• house
• kids

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear).
4. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. security. self esteem (fear).
6. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships.

• set a boundary where i couldn't go near eric's sf house
• stopped giving her dog sitting business to ex
• didn't invite me to wedding
• blamed me when asked for money she owed her for dog sitting already received

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear).
3. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.

• consistently tells mom about her son's friends who have mansions and invited to goog

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

1. laughed at me when I asked what courses or resources to use to upskill on java spring boot after performance feedback
2. scheduled a meeting with lax and not rob
3. didn't respond to my text for reference

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear).

• narcissist controlling the music
• buying time paying for food and over-texting/talking
• threatened suicide and then got angry at us who showed up
• mother overly co-depended on me during last few months of work
• didn't clean up after herself when she was a guest

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• called me out in 2019 in an unwanted intervention
• pressured me into lending him money
• treated me different when i got the software engineer job at chase
• got a higher score on drive cap startup iquiz

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• married
• has just had a daughter
• more of a genius than I see myself
• youngest tenured professor

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• said you know dui is on your record and affects your reputation for life

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• got an athletic scholarship to um

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• order of magnitude more career accomplished
• threatened to pull psych support
• cooler under pressure
• living in hawaii in a beach house
• smarter software engineer than me

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
3. self esteem (fear).
4. security. self esteem (fear).
5. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• was number one
• controls ex
• angry when i don't princess her

1. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
3. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• ignores me as unworthy of his friendship because i am broke
• shamelessly self-important
• thinks he is higher status in his profession
• younger and more financially successful
• married
• bought a condo home

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
6. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• vape taker
• said she pitied me for still drinking
• money taker after borrower and saying she would pay me back
• bought my painting for $700 but couldn't pay
• had to ask for painting back
• painting canvas was warped in her back seat when i got it back
• judges everyone who is using as an alcoholic

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
6. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
7. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• charged me when i was in crisis and didn't show up to zoom meetings
• shared confidential details my dad demanded to know using leverage and manipulation

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• narc'd on me about having weed in her dad's car
• takes advantage of her lola's caretaker check without doing the work

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• blocked me after i was trolling her in a relapse
• brought over bag of bottles, brother's weed
• cheated with her
• omission guilt carried until i unloaded my cheating confession before breakup

1. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
3. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
4. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.

• hesitated when i asked to be paid the second $100 for my time
• offered $5,000 for researching how to hack his ex-business partner's phone
• his delusions of grandeur offering to cut me in on what the take is from his winning a lawsuit against the police department
• mirror into my mania
• hasn't worked for 6+ years as fellow dual diagnosis

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• didn't pay me for my networking time
• reminds me of what my bread loser life might look like
• has trained with me twice and hasn't talked or offered to pay yet

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• treated his alcoholic brother as less than
• judged me for dipping and spitting
• refused to share any freely sourced cannabis
• angry when i refused his request to borrow my debit card
• commissioned a painting, without paying
• trolled me saying i am not in his inner circle
• felt guilty and dropped off an important painting

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
6. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
7. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• said she would never "put her mom in a home" when i shared with her and son

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• my dad's best friend
• he doesn't think my dad is his best friend
• pities my dad
• frustrated with me when i was invited to the dr. bing lunch
• disapproved i monopolized dr. bing's attention away from him

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• traumatized at boarding school
• won ohio state innovator award
• multiple patents named on
• published academic book
• given electroshock therapy

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• person ex called on 4/20 when i overdosed her on edible laced mac and cheese
• always trying to control what game we play, what we do next, even when he was a guest in my apartment
• narcissistic and elitist in how important his job is and how much money he makes
• said i gave a painting as a birthday gift because they couldn't afford it (and he could)
• wouldn't invite me over to his new apartment and invite ex to go on walks, movies
• kept asking if he could buy my paintings, but only window shopped, never buying

1. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.
6. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• leaving me outside by myself on the tarp the morning after the graduation natty light case race
• defecated on your lawn in retaliation
• drove home blacked out, charged with physical control of a vehicle while under the influence of alcohol

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• telling me I had potential in 8th grade
• cutting me from the high school basketball team
• cowering to my dad's financial manipulation when he cut me from the basketball team
• at my dad's insistence, offered me the chance to practice and tryout again

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• dying in iraq
• triggering my first hypomanic, alcoholic episode
• failing a macroeconomics exam going to your funeral
• drinking daily for the first time
• being called out for not mourning my loss of you in a respectful, honorable way

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships.

• asked if i just said the stupidest thing i could think of to make our friend laugh
• slept with my then ex-gf behind my back after we all hung out over a year after i broke up with her

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• said he liked me better when i was depressed than manic senior year
• became a doctor

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• gave 5 minutes or less
• all about the money legal drug diplomate dealer
• rx'd latuda for $1,500-2,000 per month
• my parents had to pay out of pocket, as i could not
• had the most suicidal symptoms in a panic trance, at random times
• didn't believe my symptoms were related to his prescription
• felt gaslighted by my own psychiatrist
• would throw free samples at me to keep me coming back
• i actually believe he liked and respected me before i fired him

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
5. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
6. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
7. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
8. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
9. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• told me i could have my jackson pollock masterpiece $1,000 framed painting back whenever i was ready
• said he would take care of it when i was about to destroy it
• non-responsive and only responded after i attempted to guilt him into giving me the dignity of a response
• when asked to take a digital photo for my record, he stopped responding again

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• after i demanded to have my painting returned, she offered to buy my masterpiece painting
• when she asked how much, i said $10,000
• never heard from her after i asked for what price i wanted for my work

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• inviting me to a group dinner of great guys.
• calling me out for my hygiene affecting the group olfactory dissatisfaction.
• offering a place to live and then holding a no smoking boundary when i arrived
• leveraging an unfair quid quo pro, unclear on ulterior motives, move in scenario

1. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. sexual relationships.
2. self esteem (fear). personal relationships. security.
3. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
4. security. sexual relationships. self esteem (fear).

• gave me an ultimatum when i was fake working before stanford er
• rejected my friending him on facebook with a textplanation

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

• pedophile priests protected by the power of the pope's property

1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

1. abuse of power on traumatized children and impact on their suicide risk

1. security. self esteem (fear). sexual relationships. personal relationships.

1. outdated, unscientific, one sized fits all religion masquerading as a substance abuse cure all
2. sponsor has unchecked power over sponsee

1. sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.
2. sexual relationships. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

1. treatment centers repeatly enforcing and advising i structure my day for optimal bipolar management

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1. security. self esteem (fear). personal relationships.

1. When, and how, and in just what instances did my selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and me?
2. What people were hurt, and how badly?
3. Did I spoil my marriage and injure my children?
4. Did I jeopardize my standing in the community?
5. Just how did I react to these situations at the time?
6. Did I burn with a guilt that nothing could extinguish?
7. Or did I insist that I was the pursued and not the pursuer, and thus absolve myself?
8. How have I reacted to frustration in sexual matters?
9. When denied, did I become vengeful or depressed?
10. Did I take it out on other people?
11. If there was rejection or coldness at home, did I use this as a reason for promiscuity?
12. We reviewed our own sexual conduct over the years past, Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate?
13. Whom had we hurt?
14. Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?
15. Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead?
16. We subjected each sex relation to this test — was it selfish or not?
17. Looking at both past and present, what sex situations have caused me anxiety, bitterness, frustration, or depression?
18. Appraising each situation fairly, can I see where I have been at fault?
19. Did these perplexities beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands?
20. Or, if my disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change?
21. Suppose that financial insecurity constantly arouses these same feelings, to what extent have my own mistakes fed my gnawing anxieties?
22. And if the actions of others are part of the cause, what can I do about that?
23. If I am unable to change the present state of affairs, am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are?

1. Summer 2024, while my newly broken up partner was away, I invited a woman over to our apartment, without asking for permission, and she then asked my ex-partner if it was ok.
2. Summer 2020, I promised JPW I'd have sex with her in her psych ward room, but when I snuck in, I just got oral sex.
3. Summer 2016, I called a celebrity whom had trusted me with her number, while intoxicated, insulting her, just to show a friend that she gave me her number.
4. Fall 2015, the night before I was scheduled to meet up with STG, I went out with bottle, pushed a person into unconsciousness, followed a prostitute into a heroin dealer's trap house, got extorted with parent's credit card and then I got a knife cutting my throat.
5. Summer 2015, I spent $275 won on black jack to buy liquor for homeless people and a 50 year old prostitute, who I smoked methamphetamine with and we had unprotected sex.
6. Summer 2015, I disclosed the full extent of my cheating on my 7 year partner STG, transferring my long held guilt on her and then asked if she would agree to an open relationship after a month away
7. Spring 2013, I drank alcohol and smoked cannabis, then had sexual contact but not full intercourse with a woman I met at the work, whom I insulted her artistic potential.
8. Spring 2013, I took adderall in exhange for doing homework for a woman I was seeing while lying about my location to my partner.
9. Fall 2011, I drank alcohol and smoked cannabis with friends during a ND football game, then had a friend lie to my partner about where we were going, met a woman and lied, then went back to my partner in guilt, playing the victim from relapsing and diagnosed with gastritis at lenox hill hospital.
10. Fall 2012, I drank alcohol and smoked cannabis, then received oral sex but not full intercourse with a coworker in the shared living space while my ex-partner was abroad.
11. Spring 2011, I received oral sex from a random man in a fitness facility steam room, while my partner was waiting in the workout area.
12. Fall 2010, I travelled a few hours, drank alcohol, benzodiazepines, and cannabis to meet with a woman, lying to my partner about my location when she called, seeing her face during coitous.
13. Spring 2010, I went on a dinner date, with an old ballerina fling, lying about my location to my partner.
14. Spring 2009, I met with a man met online and received oral sex while partner was out of state.
15. Spring 2008, I went to an onboarding welcome party where my roommate quickly became intoxicated and I was less so, after preventing her from being taken in a van, ordered a cab, where we had sexual contact there and in our apartment, which she said she didn't remember the next day.
16. Fall 2007, After dropping my girlfriend off to work at the strip club, I went across the street, drank alcohol, smoked cannabis, and went to a motel room and had sex with a woman met at the bar.
17. Fall 2007, I exposed myself to the mother of my girlfriend when she was walking down the stair's, shocking and scaring her.
18. Fall 2007, While drinking alcohol and smoking cannabis at the drug house, I promised to pay for oral sex, received it, then acted ignorant when she tried to collect later.
19. Winter 2006, After playing beer pong with my girlfriend's resident assistant, she invited me to sleep over and I read her invite as an invite to her bed, which she did not want and called our mutual friends scared.
20. Fall 2006, After a night out drinking, my ex-girlfriend invited me to sleep over at her apartment, I asked her why her boyfriend isn't railing her that night, which she said hurt her.
21. Fall 2003, I lied to a friend about having hooked up with a girl we both knew, and he told her, which she embarrased that I had lied.
22. Fall 2002, I wasn't satisfied with oral sex with my girlfriend, so I repeatedly asked if we could have intercourse, which she said no and was not comfortable.

1. In addition to my drinking problem, what character defects contributed to my financial instability?
2. Did fear and inferiority about my fitness for my job destroy my confidence and fill me with conflict?
3. Did I try to cover up those feelings of inadequacy by bluffing, cheating, lying, or evading responsibility?
4. Or by griping that others failed to recognize my truly exceptional abilities?
5. Did I overvalue myself and play the big shot?
6. Did I have such unprincipled ambition that I double-crossed and undercut my associates?
7. Was I extravagant?
8. Did I recklessly borrow money, caring little whether it was repaid or not?
9. Was I a pinchpenny, refusing to support my family properly?
10. Did I cut corners financially?
11. What about the “quick money” deals, the stock market, and the races?
12. Appraising each situation fairly, can I see where I have been at fault?
13. Did these perplexities beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands?
14. Or, if my disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change?
15. Suppose that financial insecurity constantly arouses these same feelings, to what extent have my own mistakes fed my gnawing anxieties?
16. And if the actions of others are part of the cause, what can I do about that?
17. If I am unable to change the present state of affairs, am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are?
18. We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn’t it because self-reliance failed us?
19. Surveying his business or employment record, almost any alcoholic can ask questions like these: in addition to my drinking problem, what character defects contributed to my financial instability?
20. Consider carefully all personal relationships which bring continuous or recurring trouble in emotional security: worry, anger, self-pity, and depression.
Suppose that financial insecurity constantly arouses these same feelings. I can ask myself to what extent have my own mistakes fed my gnawing anxieties?
21. If the actions of others are part of the cause, what can I do about that?
22. If I am unable to change the present state of affairs, am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are?

1. • "Alex is a frightened human being determined to depend completely upon a stronger person for guidance and protection."
   • "This weak one, Alex has failed to meet life's responsibilities with own resources, never grows up."
   • "Disillusionment and helplessness are Alex's lot
   • In time, all of Alex's protectors either flee or die, and Alex is once more left alone and afraid.
   • Lied about work done that was not done, in stand up, to managers, co-workers, family and friends.
   • Would go to the bar and talk strangers into buying me drinks, opening up a tab, persuasively lying and attempting to sound impressive and on the brink of massive success.
   • Lied and cheated the JP Morgan Chase disability to extend and manipulate doctors into keeping me away from work and getting paid to be in successive rehabs
   • Took pride in the fact that my last 2020 relapse I was able to get random strangers to pay for my drugs and alcohol in a matter of minutes, deluding myself that this made me a celebrity or tangent to famous.
   • Dishonest with myself and believing my own lies about importance, genius, inevitable billionaire fortified by drugs and alcohol, always realizing it with work tomorrow.
   • Stole company money and received pay for hours not worked that added to time sheets for contract work as well as stopped working on employee hours expected to be working.
   • Cut corners using the Visa bus to arrive later than expected to start work and left work on the early bus home before expected to work until.
   • Woke up to log in to remote work, keep the cursor moving or have someone "man the station" and deceptively appear online, while sleeping, smoking, drinking or not working
   • Misued company resouces to do personal business or non-work related tasks while being paid on company wage.
   • Stole money from his parents' brokergage and credit card accounts without any permission or communication about the usage.
2. • Too old to be hired.
   • Devalued because I don't have a computer science or technical degree.
   • Not stable enough with bipolar mood swings to work consistently on a team keeping my diagnosis to myself.
   • Too ashamed to get real and disclose my recovery and relapse history with anyone for fear of it costing me my job or being used against me.
   • No one will give me a reference because of my questionable performance and absuing disability.
   • Wasted Proof of Concept opportunity and chance to be hired as full time employee.
   • Fixed mindset: "don't think like a software engineer"
   • Value time freedom and location independence to travel globally and see family.
   • Too obese to be confident, fit in and respected by coworkers.
3. • When I was given a long time to work independently on a proof of concept project, I bluffed about the work done for as long as I could and did actual work, of minimum quality, to have something to deliver.
   • When I found out I had a month left before my contract was up, I evaded my responsibility to job search while still employed with coworkers offering to give recommendations telling people who cared that I was becoming a youtuber using a guru's course.
4. Complained about being rejected on asking for $10,000 payment for biggest painting, I've actually sold paintings for $500 paid by my sister, $500 by a dealer and $250 by a treatment friend.
5. Talk about how I'm a founder, have an LLC, a start up or running a company, when the only sales I've actually been paid for are personal train sessions at $100-$150/hour in 2014 and 2024, less than 15 kindle book sales and some web design services to a client in 2013.
6. • Started a group chat and took credit for it, when onboarding when Brindha, a remote Visa worker, came up with the idea and was in the process of starting on.
   • Charged a client on autopay three times per week for month when I was never training the client and didn't remind him of our lapse.

The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear--primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something that we demanded

1. pride
2. greed
3. wrath
4. envy
5. lust
6. gluttony
7. sloth

1. pride
   • lying about work done to Robert, fake working and procrastinating until last minute for proof of concept justifying that I'm a genius and I don't need to work as much as the time I've been given.
   • even after getting my first software enginneering job at chase, financially indepedent for the first time, started working only on my delusional billionaire start up, pushing aside my work responsibilities as trivial while relapsing in 2020.
   • when I believed I was working on my startup in 2020, I would just talk about it, take pretentious action, brag in bars, with no real work or risk on my part to validate an idea or potentially solve any problem for anyone other than myself.
   • avoided seriously applying for jobs to replace income since July 1st, 2023 with skills I've let decay as a backend software engineer
   • consistently judge myself as inherently superior to almost everyone, despite the current and long term educational, career and monetary evidence
   • assume my potential future 'gifted' self will absolutely 100% accomplish some vague but with increasing clarity related to serious mental illness and addiction dramatically healing metabolic psychiatry nutrition software enabled, sufferer empowered intervention, with 0% chance of failing
   business that comes with exceptionally prestiguous and enormous profit
   • only realized my own abusive narcissism when meeting and rudely talking about myself to a friend's boyfriend
   • quietly comfort myself when fear of economic insecurity peak that I am a latent famous visual artist that will cover my costs at a mininum, without ever having proactively to sell my own artwork, having only sold two pieces for $500 and $200 because the buyers made an offer.
2. greed
   • lying, abusing, stealing and manipulating my parents and family emotionally, financially to support my substance use and cost of living
   • abusing short term disability offered to me by chase by going from rehab to rehab, depending on my father and family to extend my disability with paying co-payments, filing paperwork and making necessary calls so I didn't lose these benefits or my job.
   • taking as long as I wanted lunch breaks during shifts at the y and entering time as an hour
   • when resigning, reconciling all of my free training sessions and paid client sessions to match already paid for sessions by the y, with no record keeping on my part
   • taking lunch breaks without clocking out as a trainer at planet fitness
   • received unemployment and applied to the bare minimum one job application which I was not usually remotely qualified for entire duration.
   • only option for cash flow is to build my own software-based llc, as a one person business, solo entrepreneur, planning to never hire employees and always own 100% of the equity.
3. wrath
   • in christmas 2016, yelling at my dad so loud his neighbors called the police over his siding with his son-in-law when I thought I was wronged
   • yelling at my former partner in anger asking "what do you bring to the table?"
   • recording my former partner and demanding to be paid back immediately, whatever needed to be done, for a short term loan
   • scaring my neighbors during my psychotic break in 2020: shooting spray paint bottles into my moonroof, throwing 2 gallons of paint into an empty parking spot, spilling paint on a neighbor's car, spiking a piece of burnt firewood for 50 yards before misfiring said piece of firewood into the moonroof and then punching through the back windshield and bleeding profusely, before the pink slip 5150 police officers drove me to the hospital
   • lied to manager and manipulated clients I had committed to do remote training by not showing up, not notifying them about my absence or finding a replacement for their session.
   • complain and try to control frustratedly when a family member talks in a monologue that deviates into one-sided, talking about people I do not know or explain details that are not relevant me, while I check out emotionally, feeling hurt and fail to respond in a healthy manner or end conversation.
   • passive microagressions against a family member when I judge them as non-compliant to medical orders in standing form, walking devices, using therapeutic equipment and eight times daily medication dosage
   • blamed my father for his unaware narcissism and antisocial behavior that led to my own patterns of narcissism and lack of long term friends.
4. envy
   • NMB genius. prestigious intellectual career and employer. married with a child
   • TBD socially gifted. twice repeated success in finance and startup. married with children.
   • KFH married with children. close friendships. secured housing inheritance. no substance or mental disorders. vacation and spending habits.
   • SMK successful career. grad degree. married with children. working on a personally meaningful startup.
   • MVH two masters and a phd in neuropharmacology with seven patents. all while married with children.
   • RDZ parents loved each other. graduated top of medical school class. residency at top medical school. did well financially and meaningful work over 25 year career.
5. lust
   • cheated four times and repeatedly lied to by omission and commission to long term partner.
   • cheated on a new relationship while they were at work.
6. gluttony
   • cross addicted to hyper palatable and ultra processed food after getting drug and alcohol abstinent in 2008, 2011, 2013, 2016, 2021-2023
   • during visa work hours: smoking, vaporizing thc, vaporizing nicotine, drinking alcohol seemingly without detection at the office or working remotely.
   • in later 2024 sobriety, waking up in the middle of the night with distressing thoughts and emotions, treating with binge eat whole grains, legumes and nuts; rationalizing it as least it's healthy whole food, while psoriasis and body fat increased 4%
7. sloth
   • persisent procrastination studying what I don't already know and doing the work committed to at visa
   • afraid to end a relationship over a year plus to avoid being single, alone, becoming financially dependent on others

• made assumptions about sexual predation based on online search reviews, out of context quotes and public court records I found without addressing them with him directly
• chose not to move in after a break up, citing my mother's fear, when I omitted my own beliefs and fear explicitly.

• stole her car
• accused her and her daughter of stealing my phone
• overstayed her generous housing without paying for anything
• caused fear by erratic action and making irritational threats thinking I needed to get revenge for their theft

Local, in evergreen park, walking distance, saw her the other day

• took gratuitously long lunches, but only entered 30-60 min
• didn't account for money paid by clients and asking them to buy more packages, yet got paid
• when resigning, I matched hours worked with paid sessions I did not have any proof of payment for
• high and drunk while working

• stole 2 textbooks
• stole 3 softcover books
• smoked a splif on campus with the last remaining bits of cannabis in a sketch book

• stole a carhatt jacket high

• consistently stole dry erase markers, pens, notebooks and printer paper from breakroom

• Kicked out of two hotels, one where I destroyed a room and hotel lobby he paid for, let a homeless man in to shower and got kicked out of that hotel
• put personal stress on him, his family, his mother and my mom where he felt the need to offer to pick me and pay for a return ticket to CMH

• worked on non-visa, side project tasks while on paid Visa hours
• consistent resentment and disrespect to him and talk behind his back, justifying doing bare minimum work, lying about status of work assigned
• used nicotine vape up to a dozen times per day in office bathroom during work hours
• used cannabis and rarely drank on fridays, justifying it because contract workers had to actually work on friday, and fulltime could start weekend early
• arrived on latest bus and took home the earliest bus when multiple bus schedules opened up.

• wasted his time and energy deprioritizing our pair programming and the work assigned to me
• used cannabis during work hours
• fake worked in office and especially remotely when possible
• shared with managers that I was not performing and learning at the level expected and he was afraid to tell me he told the truth, saying I worked hard and would be soon let go, even if I changed dramatically in performance.

• stole time doing fake work when given proof of concept for months
• fearfully avoided asking for help and made excuses that he is too busy, even though he solicited that I communicate with him, leaving him with the impression I was on the progression plan he set
• lied to his face about how much I had done and what I would do consistently
• only worked on the actual application for less than two weeks before due
• recorded our meetings without asking explicit permission to transcribe afterward
• lied and made him look foolish for trusting me when he presented the project I was doing to the entire VISA team
• continuously overpromised and underdelivered when he gave me an out on the POC as the deadline was approaching, and after with the CBP adaptaptation of Apple Pay Services in THS

• smoked on his property after he asked me not, after he just came to help me move all of my possessions from a hotel where police came and let me crash on his couch, then lied about not smoking

• lied about commitment to r-fit, and failed to inform him when I was not going to show up for two zoom calls I was depended on to conduct
• did not even attempt to find a replacement r-fit coach because I believed I couldn't convince someone to do it and sacrificed the three regulars instead
• caused them to have to respond to angry members asking who was going to teach the r-fit, catching them off guard, off their work hours

• lied about commitment to r-fit, and failed to inform her when I was not going to show up for two zoom calls I was depended on to conduct
• did not even attempt to find a replacement r-fit coach because I believed I couldn't convince someone to do it and sacrificed the three regulars instead
• caused them to have to respond to angry members asking who was going to teach the r-fit, catching them off guard, off their work hours

• played big shot since first time I met him, acting like he is stupid and unable to understand how gifted and important I am (compared to him)
• treated so inferior that I became aware of my until then unconsciously blind narcissistic behaviors

• call mom, talk and give attention to her almost exclusively, neglecting my relationship with him
• refused to go to treatment in 2020 after being in St. Ann's hospital for an overdose
• refused in anger to share what a painting of mine that he asked my interpretation of it
• blamed him for my current realization of my narcissistic anti-social personality, and that he raisied me this way
• openly critical and judgemental of his addictive binge eating, sedentary lifestyle
• passively critical and judgemental of his lack of career success, intellectual curiousity, suspected not-open bi/homosexual and effemenate nature
• taken and financially abused the family finances using the parents' credit cards, selling retirement stocks and transferring to my bank account
• allowed him to pay off my debt when I had relapsed and then made no attempt to pay him back
• gave away Notre Dame ring that he bought to a random pizza employee in NYC
• gave away second Notre Dame ring to replace the first one at a club, or in some drunken encounter.
• yelled at him so loud that his neighbors called the police because they were worried that an assault or crime had been committed
• blamed him for disowning me after this yelling event.
• blamed him for acting like Nick is more his son than I am

• Put her unknowningly into a position as an accessory to a crime when I attempted to hold up at knife point a drug dealer working at a gas station and recover money stolen money from me and her, broke a glass door and threatened to kill her if she didn't drive away like I said
• called her a bitch
• brought strange and dangerous people I had met to her hotel room and put her at risk when I was relapsing
• let her answer and defend me when I had burned a drug dealer, offering a painting, which I took back as he left it in a hotel yard.
• exposed her to guns pointed at her in an exigent warrant at mae christine apartment, which resulted in her getting pushed over, and he yelling at them, which could have resulted in her being injured, arrested, and caused a some degree of traumatic response.
• blamed her for rejecting my exploring the possibility of coming out as bisexual and how that caused rejection and trauma leading to drug and alcohol abuse
• blamed her for prioritizing work when I as growing up and not guiding me in my academic journey, leaving me to be mostly raised by my father
• blamed her for having undiagnosed bipolar, based on my biased and unprofessional opinion, and that I inherited this from her and all the suffering I had to endured
• lied and stole $100,000-$300,000 from her retirement and bank accounts, discover card in relapses and hypomanic episodes, with addictive spending, of which I have paid $0 back
• Stole her keys and drove her CRV to a bar to drink
• Climbed up the pillar to her condo balcony when I got locked out, scaring her neighbors
• Left her in the mission at noisebridge while I went off and drank, looking for a party. Leaving her scared to walk the streets alone when it closed, while I drove her rental car and got pulled over by a cop, dodging a DUI.

• Drove over to her neighborhood during covid with a painting for Isla in my trunk and pulled over, let Isla choose, trying to avoid eye contact as I was drunk and high
• After I drove over drunk, I ran a red light which scared Kai and she had to explain to them that I was sick.
• When on the phone after moving to California in 2020, I would be talking to her, Kai, Isla when I was high, drunk or miss a call because I was intoxicated.

• rejected and yelled at him for his intervention
• beligerently messaged him on facebook ending our friendship

• Lied to him about my commitment to JPMC when he asked after spontaneous move to Cali in 2020
• Absent without leave, stopped showing up for work during 2020 COVID, forcing him to reach out to my father and coordinate an intervention
• Abused the disability system to maximize the amount of time spent in rehabs, while being paid
• Moved to California without notice while we were in full time remote 2020
• When I would come back from disability, I realized two new hires, some or all, whom had been hired due to my lost capacity, adding to his managerial work stress
• manipulated the fact I had been discriminated against by a manager under him to the maximum, knowing they could not fire me for multiple cards I was holding
• when I came back full time, both he and my former manager had changed teams, and I had created a backlog of work for a new manager, Mike, who had to do my vacation and PTO for me

• used homophobic joke as leverage as unfire-able in COVID
• used on job when we went remote
• went AWOL
• abused disability leave to fullest extent

• started fake work at 5am wake up time (8am ET), having girlfriend move cursor and appear active (green) on the microsoft teams application for first few hours of work until stand up
• used cannabis frequently on job when we went remote, even after completing ohlhoff and la selva, counting down the days, doing minimal work needed until I was going to give (at least 2 weeks) notice when they announced return to the office in columbus, oh
• lied about laptop getting rained on when I got drunk with a girl and woke up hours after work started, then used my parents credit card to buy a chromebook to continue the lie.
• abused disability leave to fullest extent, causing him to have to spend his working hours to figure out using all of my pto, holidays, disability paid time, and unpaid time off that I should have had to do myself before I came back to work.

• defecated on his parents property

• made a bet with his friend I could not cover
• donated to ryan miller charity golf tournament

• fired in sudden retaliation when asked to pay for an appointment I had no showed for during a hypomanic relapse in 2020
• ignored all attempts to get ahold of me after I fired her and went AWOL

• called in furious panic after exigent warrant was served on my mom and I immediately soliciting legal advice on suing the city of worthington for abuse of power, causing an angry response saying he hadn't heard from me in over a decade and telling me that my idea was frivilous

• Called her too stupid to be in a relationship with me in a blackout
• Made fun of her for being on Facebook and demeaned her for setting our relationship status as dating
• Exposed her son to my getting blackout drunk and leaving him alone in the hotel room I had paid for

• took lunch breaks working for her at planet fitness without clocking out
• prioritized getting coffee over being punctual with personal training appointments
• cut a lock that was put on a locker without permission that had the keurig

• made fun of his being off pitch when singing
• resented him for only paying the $100 difference per month Kay Marie asked for extra water utilites to move in, even though I didn't ask him for more

• took advantage sold him price-gouged weed and gloated about it to a friend who gave a disapproving response.

• smoked in front of her son
• went out to bars instead of spending time with family

• monopolized his lunch inviting me dad and Dr. Bing by lying about my involvement with genetic engineering when he spoke of his wife having increasing alz

• Recorded her when I emotionally abused her, extorting her and demanding that she pay me back $1,500 while recording her and watching her call her mom and mentor whom owed her money, not stopping the recording until she sent me the money
• Asked her "What do you bring to the table?"
• Overly dependant on her to be the sole driver in our relationship, to work, on trips, or anywhere we went from the beginning of our relationship, until almost the very end, with little thanks, chipping in for gas, repairs, and avoiding the effort to get my license renewed in Ohio
• criticized her openly for her eating disorder, obesity, laziness, narcissism, manipulation of myself and others
• Used her from the first offer to drive me home, to our first "date", having her drive and pay for our boba tea, and taking seroquel to be semi-intoxicated, while we walked throughout Stanford campus
• omitted to ask or tell her that I was inviting Dani over to our apartment when she was in Hawaii
• early in the relationship, I would regularly get high and drunk before we went out, which angered her because she was unable to be driven and do the same

• messaged her vulgur and unwanted sex talk while drunk in sf ymca, retaliating against her when she suggested I break up with now ex-gf

• Asked her if her boyfriend at the time was coming over to "rail" her when she let me sleep over after a night out drinking
• made fun of her for having small breasts trying to hurt her
• lost my ND ticket book, so used hers and got caught, getting us both kicked out of our last homegame

• Tried to extord $10,000 out of you when you offered to buy it, demanding my painting back that you promised
• Harassed you, guilt tripped you and pressured you to take a picture of the painting that you salvaged and took care of.

• showing your ex porn when you invited me to OU
• embarrasing him in front of erin, your family and friends when in a drunken relapse and hypomanic

• set up auto-paypal 3x$65/week for training and stopped trying to schedule or show up for appointments, sleeping in instead and letting it hit his credit card until he fired me on his birthday

• cheated on her in Ohio with Megan
• cheated on her in California with Cait
• did drugs and drank behind her back
• met up with and emotionally cheated on her with other women